When is it OK to Question a Parent’s Method of Discipline?

rebeca  Thursday, July 15, 2010

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The other day I was complaining on my personal facebook wall about how difficult my soon to be 3-year-old has been. He’s been pushing my husband and me to the limits and some days it just feels like we can’t take any more. Most people who follow my posts know that my little guy brings a new meaning to the term hyperactive. Therefore, they’re used to my vents and often try to relate or offer support…which I always appreciate.

But this morning, a friend left a note telling me about a recent experience she had with her challenging 3-year-old and I just had to share. Here’s what she had to say:

So here is what happened to me today. I took the kids for haircuts and experienced much drama on the way about where to eat, who is getting theirs cut first, and so on, bringing my stress level up. While I was paying, my 8-year-old son was playing around with the door to the salon. I kept telling him not to open it because my 3-year-old daughter kept running outside. When I was finished, my son opened the door and she ran out, past the parking spaces and towards the road (inside the parking lot) I yelled STOP and ran up and grabbed her by the arm. I then forcefully said “YOU DON’T EVER RUN IN THE PARKING LOT YOU STAY NEAR MOMMY…BLAH BLAH BLAH.” So as I was doing this I heard “lady stop yelling at your kid. No one wants to hear that.” I couldn’t see where it was coming from, but I noticed a man putting the window up in his SUV. I looked at him and said “do you have a problem?” “Yeah,” he said, “learn how to control your kids, and stop yelling at them, they will never listen to you if you are yelling.” I said, “Well would you rather her get hit by a car?” He said “Don’t be so STUPID, your an idiot”…all in front of both my kids and his own kids. I am still on fire from his comment.

I can only imagine how infuriating that must have been for her. So, I want to know what other parents would do if in the same situation. If you saw a parent disciplining or yelling at a child, would you say something? Have you ever had someone approach you in regards to disciplining your child?

My friend also directed me to a news segment she saw that night about One Kind Word, a local campaign aimed toward “empowering individuals to step in helpfully when a parent or child are having a tough time.” OneKindWord offers a workshop that provides employees with the skills needed to identify these situations and provide support and assistance to parents and children having a difficult time. The idea is to calm the parent down and let the child know that he is safe and someone else is looking after him.

While I’m sure this guy probably didn’t participated in such a workshop (because he would have been a bit more tactful in his approach), I still have to wonder what message this campaign is sending. Is it that you’re there to offer support? If so, then that’s great! Personally speaking, any time I see a parent struggling with a child in public, I’ll usually smile and say, “Don’t worry, I have one like that too.” It’s embarrassing when you lose control of your child…so I like to offer a little encouragement when I see it happening.

But if it’s geared more toward infringing on a parent’s right to discipline his/her child as he/she deems fit, then I have a problem with it. Because, after all, if you were to dissect any parent/child relationship, you’d certainly find all kinds of problems. Perhaps the child is eating too much processed food and not enough fruits and veggies? Should the grocery store clerk step in and tell the parent he needs to buy more nutritious foods for his kid? What if a child spends too much time reading and not enough time playing outside? Should the librarian tell the parent her child needs more exercise so she doesn’t become obese? Because I have a challenging kid on my hands, I know how hard it can be to do everything by the book. But, even when I try, I sometimes wonder just how right “the book” is. I get all kinds of advice on how to deal with my son’s behavior…a lot of it is from fellow parents who know just what I’m going through, but quite a lot of it is from parents with well-behaved children who can’t understand why I can’t control mine. They proclaim that their children would never be that out of control and would never run into traffic because they’ve been taught to hold mommy’s hand. These kids are well behaved because their parents have taught them right from wrong and don’t tolerate misbehavior. Um, yeah….like I don’t do that too! I have to wonder what else mommy has taught them. Has mommy also taught these kids to robotically respond to every demand she makes, negating any possible reason for their own thoughts, ideas and personality to shine through? Do these well-behaved children make any decisions for themselves, or does mommy do everything for them? If mommy never yells, does that mean her children will never learn to deal with conflict? Or are these parents just blessed with easy-going kids who are naturally well behaved? Like I said, if we examined every parent/child relationship, we’d find tons of problems. In the end, it’s up to the parent to decide what is best for his/her own child.

That’s not to say that there isn’t a line that can be crossed. Of course, if I saw a parent putting a child in danger, I’d have to say something. But I don’t think my friend was doing that.

So, I’ll ask you again…would you say something if you saw a parent yelling or even spanking a child in public? What would you do if someone questioned your approach to discipline? Have you ever seen a parent out of control with a child and wished you’d stepped in? Let’s discuss.